专署.

POSTED ON: Monday, July 18, 2011 @ 7:37 PM | 0 comments


For the past few weeks, all i feel is S.A.D.N.E.S.S, D.I.S.A.P.P.O.I.N.T.M.E.N.T.
and im not motivated to go school at all.
During primary school days, i LOVE school.
Friends and teachers. Memories i had in primary school were great.
All the joy and happiness. Even if i fail the exams, i never hated school.
The 6 years i had there, was in fact the best of my school days.
My friends, classmates were all so united, so innocent.
Though there are quarrels and fights, we never had grudges.
The fights and cold war would end in 3 minutes.
yeah, there might be bitches in the school.
But i never was affected by what they say, i was always the happy girl in class.
I was always chosen as the Model pupil, i was the Prefect, the Class "monitress" we named.
I was so active in school, my friends and i would even form groups to perform on teachers' day.
I joined all sorts of CCAs in school, and i never hated P.E.
AND THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE THING IS... I loved my long curly hair.
OH WOWNESS YA?
Then i went to secondary school.
Still, i dont think theres anything wrong with having curly hair.
Till, friends were giving me all sorts of nicknames and making fun of me.
At first, it was nothing. But slowly, it started to affect me little by little.
Whenever theres quarrels, they would start to insult on my hair.
But, i never asked for curly hair when i was borned. I WAS BORNED WITH IT.
I was short, fat, dark skin, with long curly hair, wearing spects and braces.
HOW MUCH WORST CAN IT GET? But still, i lived happily. I still believed that i wasnt ugly.
But slowly, everything changed. My confidence and self esteem dropped to the lowest.
And, it never seem to rise anymore.
Years gone, braces were removed, i started wearing contact lens, but still i was fat w curly hair.
I started to hate sports, cause i wanted fair skin.
I tried to straighten my hair, i tried to make changes. I rebonded my hair.
Things doesnt get better for me.
No one actually understands how i feel about myself.
I was so self conscious, my words got lesser in class, i was no longer comfortable among guys.
sometimes, even girls. I would only talk to my group of friends.
Seeing my friends getting into relationships, being comfortable making new friends, able to talk comfortably. I couldnt do anything.
I was so different from who i was during primary school.
So different, so much changes but i didnt realise it myself way back then.
It was only recently when i was sharing all this w Ly and i realised how much i've changed.
Words from others could affect me alot, ALOT.
I dont know how to tell others how i feel.
I couldnt express them out in words. I couldnt bring myself to say them out.
There was no one i could confide to. I would tell my mother, but i dont want her to know.
To know her daughter was such person.
I cant even tell my closest friend, how do i bring myself to tell my mum these.
And my last bit of self esteem, confidence were thoroughly trampled when certain things happen in my last year of secondary school.
I was convinced.
Now, i thought that life would be better.
But, things didnt get any better.
my results were just good enough to scrape me thru semesters after semesters.
My GPA suck and im aware of it. I wanted to do something bout it.
To make things worst, my aunt would call and boast bout her daughter grades.
Which only demoralised me more.
I wanted to kill her so much.
This made my mum compare. Compare my cousin with me.
I hate comparison.
So, this semester. I tried my best to study.
I prepared myself for tests.
But still, when i received my grades, i failed.
This module which i only pay attention to, and did the homework, and prepared myself so thoroughly for the god damn test.
I was so confident i would pass this test.
SO FUCKING CONFIDENT I WOULD PASS THE GOD DAMN TEST.
And i failed. F. F for failure.
Its like the world just came crashing down.
WHY? cause i've never studied and memorise so hard for a test.
I was so disppointed, so demoralised.
Tests that i didnt studied, i manage to pass.
But i failed when i studied. And friends who didnt studied, actually pass just by copying.
And to make my heart wrenched more, he copied MINE.
I FAIL, HE PASS? PLEASE CAN SOMEONE JUST STAB ME.
ThAT very moment when i got my results, i totally lost hope.
I got no motivation to go school at all.
Final exams in another month.
I dont know what to do. I know i should study.
I cant imagine failing and repeating the module alone.
That day, i broke down. But i couldnt bring myself to say whats making me cry.
I dont know why i cry actually.
maybe its all this emotional things i would always think when im alone.
Loneliess, feeling not needed, being an option to others, failing.
Makes me feel like im a failure.
Sometimes, i would feel that im always an option to others.
When my friends need me,when they're bored, when they're in some awkward situation,
they would contact me. And stopped replying to me when they are done in those situation.
I dont know lah. I dont want to feel like this too.
Feel like shit to think this way, like im trying to seek attention, seek love, seek care.
I hate it when people feel this way, but here i am always feeling this.
But, my friends got their own lifes too.
And i should just move on with my life.
I feel like im a leeched, a kid with no love when i always find company.
With all this time curfew thing i have, and going home after school cause i got no where else to go.
Feeling like a loser cause i got time curfew, and my parents would go insane and mad spam call me when im late.
ALWAYS. never fail to make me feel like a loser.
My life is boring, im a loser. And i cant change it.
Sorry, but i understand if you think im a loser too.
I want to cry now. cry so hard. till all my tears are gone.
How do i stop myself from feeling this way.
Yes, i may be laughing and talking and always making a nuisance of myself.
But all this actually makes me stop thinking negatively.
It make my mind busy with all those rubbish im saying.
When im alone, All this monsters starts to corrupt my mind.
Esp at night, when im lying on bed trying to sleep.
All those thoughts just starts to play. NON-STOP.
I should stop.
I will stop.
I feel disgusted when im behaving like this.
Im... done..
Tonight is another sleepless emotional night. :(

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