Dreams fairy loves to give me Dreams like this.
POSTED ON: Monday, July 25, 2011 @ 10:19 PM | 0 comments
i had a dream last night.Again, it was so real. SI-GAE-REE.
ok, so the dream is like that:
I was like single and walking alone home or what,
then suddenly the next scene, im w a guy which apparently is my bf in the dream lah.
Lets give him a name, i forgot his name. (Joo shall be his name.)
we were praying or what. Then change scene again.(LOL)
We were going back to my house.
And in the lift, there was like full of awkwardness and also kinda eerie.
Like you are w someone you trust what right?
but, all you feel is being unsafe. Like you're in danger.
And the other people in the lift are like also giving you chills. EW.
(i seriously dk why i can remember and describe out how i actually feel in the dream.)
okay, then after a very very long time, i finally reached my floor.
We walked out and then Joo suddenly asked me to run back to my house and lock the door as fast as i can. I started running back and scream for my dad to open the door.
When i turned back and look at Joo, i saw him struggling w a guy.
Like they were fighting or what. And the guy is claiming Joo owes him money.
Like out of a sudden-.-
I was like screaming like a crazy bitch. cause i saw the guy taking out knife. (OMG)
So, i am standing at the window, with my parents.. not knowing what to do... like errrr?!
By now, they were at the corridor near my window.
Then Joo, flipped the guy over and the guy was dangling outside.
I quickly open the window, then ask Joo to just let go his hand and dropped the guy.
(HAHAHAHHA, omg. so evil. But he is my Bf in the dream what. Of cause save him-.-)
So the guy just dropped to his death from 5th floor, and Joo came into my house safely. ^^V
My parents were very very ....errrr... Horrified?
But somehow, they managed to calm down and asked Joo to stay in our house first.
Obviously we were scared lah, like kill someone leh.
HOW?!
And we believed that this guy who died, his brothers or what would come and find us.
Then somehow, we managed to sleep then errrr woke up again at 8am.
(LOLLL. i rmb its 8am cause i was suppose t wake up this morning at 8am.. Told you the dream was so real. Even relate to my RL. -.-)
Cooked and had breakfast. Then... the dream just end like this.
Cause i woke up and couldnt went back to sleep. HAHAHAH.
If i can, i really want to know what happen in the end too. LOL.
Like cool only.
So maybe, i hope tonight.. The dream fairy can continue this dream of mine. :D
okay, end now. ZAIJIANZXC.
you scared? i scared sia. OMG.
if really tonight got continue the dream right, i will update tmr. HAHAHA.
Gerascophobia
POSTED ON: @ 2:56 PM | 0 comments
Im afraid of growing up.Growing up means :
-getting old.
-more stress.
-problems.
-sanity and innocence are no longer in the world.
-you dont trust anymore.
-Things doesnt seem as simple as it used to be.
But, actually. im just scared of getting old.
Cause it means, im just a step closer to death every year when i blow out the candles.
I can handle the stress, the problems im gna face, and all the shits thats happening in my life.
But, death.
I might just die anytime.
What if, i die tmr. And i haven even got my diploma.
Haven even got the chance to repay my parents.
Not even the chance to say goodbye to all my love ones.
Never had the chance to fall in love.
And never get to do what i've ever wanted to try.
There will only be regrets.
And my life is filled with regrets.
I just hope i can master all the courage i have and try what i wna try and do it.
I dont want to leave this world with regrets.
Im scared. really scared..
B is for Bean.
POSTED ON: Sunday, July 24, 2011 @ 6:43 PM | 0 comments
MY WHOLE BODY IS ACHING LIKE SIAO.
worked ytd, although its tough and hot standing under the hot sun.
BUT, feel so awesome when we manage to earn the most after all the selling.
We managed to sell and earn $990.10!!!!! OMG (^.^)V
$10 more to a thousand!! OMG! wasteddddd.
Richard says we sold about 25% of the drinks. SHIOK OR WHAT!!
and he repaired my watch. OMG. SHEN!!
I just bought it loh, then ytd work till too hiong liao. I also dont know why the strap broke. T_T
And he fixed it. WOOHOO~~~ no need waste money buy again!!!
Anyway, this is like the job i enjoyed and love the most out of all i've ever worked.
MR BEAN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Me <3 Mr Bean.
so gna miss them when this work ends. :( 2 more sessions left.
Actually, will only miss Richard,Ryan,The friendly aunties, and a few other uncles.
AND AND AND the DIRECTOR!!!
So cute and friendly. Hope got chance to take pictures w them:)
So, these people are those who came into my life a period of time,
to brighten and make my life filled with more colours.
A memory definitely worth treasuring and remembered.
WO AI MR BEAN! WO Ai MR BEAN ICE CREAM!!
ok, lame. BYE.
On rainy days.
POSTED ON: Friday, July 22, 2011 @ 8:56 PM | 0 comments
There's so many things i want in my life now.
So many things i wanna do.
I want to:
- have a car.
- get myself ink.
- get a conch piercing.
- have a total makeover.
- more makeup.
- have flawless fair skin.
- be slim.
- be rich.
- have freedom. No more curfews.
- rent a house and live w my friends.
- become pretty.
- be brave.
- have high self esteem, confidence.
- forget all the past.
- make my parents proud.
- let them enjoy lifes and stop working.
- earn big bucks!! $$$$$$$$$$
- start a shop.
- Renovate my room.
- Sing. Sing & Sing non stop.
- start drinking. i want to.
- try things i dont dare to do in the past.
- speak fluent korean and french(which is quite difficult -.-)
- money again. i really need money $$$$$
- be famous. LOL. this is such a small tiny weeny dream. Humans need to have a dream.
- Do plastic surgery. HAHA.
- Lasikkkkkkk!
- try smoking. I WNA KNOW WHY PPL SMOKE. WHY. tho i cant stand the smell.
- A puppy!!! (pug, shar pei!!)
- SEE BIG BANG IN REAL LIFE. PLEASE!!
- get marry and be a rich tai tai. LOLOL
- lie down and stargaze w my friends, my future lover.
and many many more which i cant seem to remember now.
i really... want them to come true.
gna try my best to do so. Some of them are really easy to come true now:)
I will.
oh, and i had a dream last night.
A dream that seems so real, so real so so so so so so REAL.
It was so real, i thought it really happen, and i wasn't dreaming at all.
And.. the dream so heart wrenching.
I dont even know why im dreaming such things.
But the guy in my dream.. Er... forgot his name... But.. WHY HIM?!
ok. forget it.
Shall stop here.
I truly hope my wishes above will get fulfilled AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
If anybody who are reading this, and happens t know me and wants to help me.
Kindly help me?! Fulfill for me please. Help me. ^^
&& i really really want this photo wall in my room.
Filled with all the small pieces memories i had w my friends, my family.
WHO WNA HELP ME WITH IT?:D
Im thinking of painting my wall HOT PINK for it. Or Black?!
OMG. k, stop here.
Really gna stop. Love you my friend.
All my friend.
I. think. im. getting. old.
Look at the flyer. SO BEAUTIFUL AT NIGHTTTT. I wna go there at night and just hang ard exploring singapore all night.. #notgnahappen:(
#ithinkimprettydecentlookingattimeslikethis.
So i got mine put first, then whenits her turn, i saw her putting the flag!! OMG.
sian. but i think its still ok lah. Cute mah. #retardedgirl1993
"Past is a good place to visit, but definitely not a good place to stay."
TOM FELTON.
POSTED ON: Wednesday, July 20, 2011 @ 10:10 PM | 0 comments
Y SO HANDSOME???
OMG CURRENTLY HAVING SPASM NON-STOP.
Y SO HANDSOMEEEEEEEEEE?
and i should be listening to the correct pronounciation for my french skit next week-.-
needa memorise, and read out. OMG.
DIE.
gna go read and listen now.
You dont understand, and never ever will.
POSTED ON: @ 7:03 PM | 0 comments
GUESS WHO I SAW TODAY?
maybe you wont recognise, or dont know him.
BUT... i know him. HAHAHA, and idk why,
but somehow his name just popped into my mind when i saw him.
#OMFGLIKESERIOUSLYNOTKIDDINGYOU HE IS SO TALL AND HANDSOME AND LIKE PERFECT.
LOLOLOL.
i was like doing my hair in the salon, then theres 3 person outside the shop talking and talking.
Then i heard a guy voice, like so ...... so .... ok , nevermind.
The voice just attracted me lah ok, so i turn and saw him standing outside the shop.
wahzxcpiangzxc. #sggothandsomeguy
if my hair isnt in a mess right, i confirm jump up the seat take picture already loh.
even though using my lousy bb camera.
CAUSE MY DIGICAM NO BATTERY T_T NEVER BRINGGGGG!! GRRRRRRR*
When watching him on tv, it feel like nothing.
but seeing him today, got FHWEELING ok. hahhahah.
Ok, anyway... Was like freaking freaking late today-.-
wanted to skip class, but ly and matt like want go.
ok,actually ly also dont want go. HAHAHA.
I was suppose t meet her at 920, get on the train latest by 930,
reach yck at 10, and spend 10mins walking to school,
reach my class at 1010 ON THE DOT.
BUTTTTTTTTTTT, ly woke up late and i was late as well. #takingforevertoprepare
so i went out late, she reach even later than me, anddddd matt even even later.
LOLOLOL. and we took a cab to school-.-
Class start at 1010 right? we were still waiting for taxi at 1025. #socoolandhiongsia.
ACTUALLY REALLY DONT WANT GO LIAO LOH.
But then at that very moment, got taxi liao worhzxczxcxzc.
NO CHOICE:( go school... reached at 1045-.-
and.... received a very very very very very very BAD news.
Teacher say.... we were late for too long, he already mark us as absent in the system.
#COOLORWHATSHIT??
shouldnt have waste money on taxi right? Rush there then no attendance.
AND HE WASNT EVEN TEACHING, WE WERE DOING OUR OWN STUFF.
Should have slept at home instead. #Screwmylife.
And sometimes, i really really wonder.. what does others think of me?
Do they think that im some boring shit?
Think that im some ugly fat girl?
Think that im not worth their time?
Think that im unfriendly?
Think that im crazy?
Think that im noisy?!?
Think that im some emo shit?
OR.. I had never ever cross anyone's mind before.
Not even worth remembering..
Not even worth 0.00000000001 seconds.
Thats so sad, so fucking sad. T_T
And how do i ever thank my friends who message and reply me as and when they like?
They make me feel oh-so-awesome whenever they do this to me.
AM I NOT EVEN WORTH A MIN OF YOUR TIME TO AT LEAST REPLY ME?
You can at least reply the following:
"OK"
"Youre boring, nothing t talk to. bye"
"kthxbye"
"Im done using you, bye"
"k"
"BB"
"haha, ok"
"busy at the moment, ttyl"
"Y U SO BORING? NO FUN TALK T YOU!!"
"..."
"lol"
":)"
"*blank message*"
At least give me a reply?
I would always always reply the person till our conversation end.
Unless you really piss the shit out of me, then i would stop replying to you lah.
But seriously? It really hurt me so much.
I feel so... used.
.... got phone like no phone like that.
Might as well dont get a phone right?
Thats what i always think to myself.
ALWAYS. my phone is so dead, it wont even ring for days.
and, when does it ring??
Eg:
when my friend got no money, and i happens t owe them. ("Can return me money?")
they are bored and have no one to accompany them and doesnt want t go home.
("Want go kbox anot?")("Free? come meet me leh?")
*in some awkward situation* (Sms me random shit like*"Hi. im hungry.")("Hi. how're you")
And its always this happening.
or when they need a listening ear, people to listen to them rant, and the person they always talk to happens to be busy or what. then this is the time when my phone rings.
Thankyouverymuch.
I really think i should just terminate my line.
People who need to find me, they will find ways...
At least, i hope... they will...
God, but why is it that. All the people i thought was my #BFF would never treat me as one.
Why is it that, i was never the first person they share their joy and tears with?
Why is it that, i dont feel needed by anyone of them.
Why is it that, i need them more than they need me.
Why is it that, they seem to be able to live wo me.
Why is it that, i am always their last choice.
Why is it that, i can never be someone priority.
Why is it that, i wasnt born pretty?
Why is it that, i wanst born rich?
Why am i not smart?
Why is that i am not what i wished i was.
Why am i not born with some amazing talent since im not pretty.
I thought they say" God is fair?"
Why. Why. Why.
Why am i like this?
Why is it that.. i cant seem to meet the right one.
The one who will make me their priority, the one whom i will first share my tears and joy with,
the one who will always be there for me.
the one...
All i wanted was just a friend i could rely on.
A friend.. who is true to me.
Is it so difficult to make my wish come true?
There's so many people in this fucking world.
And is it just so difficult for me to meet that very one?
yes, its that difficult.
T.E.S.T.
POSTED ON: Tuesday, July 19, 2011 @ 11:21 AM | 0 comments
I skipped morning lesson.got t prepare for the 3 tests later on.
OMG.
okay, i should stop here.
i wanna go AMK TOWN PARK or whatever the name is.
i couldnt remember it.
GOT SWING GOT SANDDDDDDDDDDD!!!
As we go on, we'll remember, all the times we had together.
POSTED ON: Monday, July 18, 2011 @ 8:58 PM | 0 comments
Actually, i know youre trying.trying to make us the same we were as before.
I will try too.
But im scared. I cant handle another blow.
What blow? i dont know actually.
Im sorry.
All this makes me want to cry again.
Since when did i become so vulnerable.
Crying so easily.
maybe... since... 3 years ago.
moving on. We are friends again.
My friends. friend of 6 years.
Welcome back to my life.
Everything will be fine. I hope.
专署.
POSTED ON: @ 7:37 PM | 0 comments
For the past few weeks, all i feel is S.A.D.N.E.S.S, D.I.S.A.P.P.O.I.N.T.M.E.N.T.
and im not motivated to go school at all.
During primary school days, i LOVE school.
Friends and teachers. Memories i had in primary school were great.
All the joy and happiness. Even if i fail the exams, i never hated school.
The 6 years i had there, was in fact the best of my school days.
My friends, classmates were all so united, so innocent.
Though there are quarrels and fights, we never had grudges.
The fights and cold war would end in 3 minutes.
yeah, there might be bitches in the school.
But i never was affected by what they say, i was always the happy girl in class.
I was always chosen as the Model pupil, i was the Prefect, the Class "monitress" we named.
I was so active in school, my friends and i would even form groups to perform on teachers' day.
I joined all sorts of CCAs in school, and i never hated P.E.
AND THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE THING IS... I loved my long curly hair.
OH WOWNESS YA?
Then i went to secondary school.
Still, i dont think theres anything wrong with having curly hair.
Till, friends were giving me all sorts of nicknames and making fun of me.
At first, it was nothing. But slowly, it started to affect me little by little.
Whenever theres quarrels, they would start to insult on my hair.
But, i never asked for curly hair when i was borned. I WAS BORNED WITH IT.
I was short, fat, dark skin, with long curly hair, wearing spects and braces.
HOW MUCH WORST CAN IT GET? But still, i lived happily. I still believed that i wasnt ugly.
But slowly, everything changed. My confidence and self esteem dropped to the lowest.
And, it never seem to rise anymore.
Years gone, braces were removed, i started wearing contact lens, but still i was fat w curly hair.
I started to hate sports, cause i wanted fair skin.
I tried to straighten my hair, i tried to make changes. I rebonded my hair.
Things doesnt get better for me.
No one actually understands how i feel about myself.
I was so self conscious, my words got lesser in class, i was no longer comfortable among guys.
sometimes, even girls. I would only talk to my group of friends.
Seeing my friends getting into relationships, being comfortable making new friends, able to talk comfortably. I couldnt do anything.
I was so different from who i was during primary school.
So different, so much changes but i didnt realise it myself way back then.
It was only recently when i was sharing all this w Ly and i realised how much i've changed.
Words from others could affect me alot, ALOT.
I dont know how to tell others how i feel.
I couldnt express them out in words. I couldnt bring myself to say them out.
There was no one i could confide to. I would tell my mother, but i dont want her to know.
To know her daughter was such person.
I cant even tell my closest friend, how do i bring myself to tell my mum these.
And my last bit of self esteem, confidence were thoroughly trampled when certain things happen in my last year of secondary school.
I was convinced.
Now, i thought that life would be better.
But, things didnt get any better.
my results were just good enough to scrape me thru semesters after semesters.
My GPA suck and im aware of it. I wanted to do something bout it.
To make things worst, my aunt would call and boast bout her daughter grades.
Which only demoralised me more.
I wanted to kill her so much.
This made my mum compare. Compare my cousin with me.
I hate comparison.
So, this semester. I tried my best to study.
I prepared myself for tests.
But still, when i received my grades, i failed.
This module which i only pay attention to, and did the homework, and prepared myself so thoroughly for the god damn test.
I was so confident i would pass this test.
SO FUCKING CONFIDENT I WOULD PASS THE GOD DAMN TEST.
And i failed. F. F for failure.
Its like the world just came crashing down.
WHY? cause i've never studied and memorise so hard for a test.
I was so disppointed, so demoralised.
Tests that i didnt studied, i manage to pass.
But i failed when i studied. And friends who didnt studied, actually pass just by copying.
And to make my heart wrenched more, he copied MINE.
I FAIL, HE PASS? PLEASE CAN SOMEONE JUST STAB ME.
ThAT very moment when i got my results, i totally lost hope.
I got no motivation to go school at all.
Final exams in another month.
I dont know what to do. I know i should study.
I cant imagine failing and repeating the module alone.
That day, i broke down. But i couldnt bring myself to say whats making me cry.
I dont know why i cry actually.
maybe its all this emotional things i would always think when im alone.
Loneliess, feeling not needed, being an option to others, failing.
Makes me feel like im a failure.
Sometimes, i would feel that im always an option to others.
When my friends need me,when they're bored, when they're in some awkward situation,
they would contact me. And stopped replying to me when they are done in those situation.
I dont know lah. I dont want to feel like this too.
Feel like shit to think this way, like im trying to seek attention, seek love, seek care.
I hate it when people feel this way, but here i am always feeling this.
But, my friends got their own lifes too.
And i should just move on with my life.
I feel like im a leeched, a kid with no love when i always find company.
With all this time curfew thing i have, and going home after school cause i got no where else to go.
Feeling like a loser cause i got time curfew, and my parents would go insane and mad spam call me when im late.
ALWAYS. never fail to make me feel like a loser.
My life is boring, im a loser. And i cant change it.
Sorry, but i understand if you think im a loser too.
I want to cry now. cry so hard. till all my tears are gone.
How do i stop myself from feeling this way.
Yes, i may be laughing and talking and always making a nuisance of myself.
But all this actually makes me stop thinking negatively.
It make my mind busy with all those rubbish im saying.
When im alone, All this monsters starts to corrupt my mind.
Esp at night, when im lying on bed trying to sleep.
All those thoughts just starts to play. NON-STOP.
I should stop.
I will stop.
I feel disgusted when im behaving like this.
Im... done..
Tonight is another sleepless emotional night. :(
I need to write it out while i still remember cause i dont want forget about it. Even when im old.
